If Rain Man invented superheroes while on crack...

OK, so when I’m bored I like to make cool creature hybrids and give them back-stories. You
guys are lucky I’m too stupid to study sciencey things or I probably would’ve already created these monsters in my shed and subsequently taken over the world. Alas, I’m studying businessy things so the best I can do is pretend… and recommend a good fiscal policy. I like to think these creatures would exist if God took a break from being all holy and shit and got high.
Anywho, I thought I’d post a few up because I’m supposed to be studying Economics and that’s about as fun as when you’re vomiting up your soul after a night out and the toilet seat falls on your head. Think of them as what superheroes would be like if comic book writers were like Rain Man except addicted to crack.


1. TEENAGE MUTANT PIRATE-CENTAUR-TURTLE

24th April 1986. Chernobyl. A pirate- teenager is fleeing from his abusive pirate-parents on his trusty steed with nothing more than the pirate-clothes on his back, a turtle in his pocket and a pocketful of dreams. Unluckily he happens to be come to a stop right next to the nuclear power station. It explodes. Does he die? I think the answer is obvious, yet illogical. NO. His human DNA combines with his horse and turtles DNA and transforms him into a TEENAGE MUTANT PIRATE-CENTAUR-TURTLE!! After initially rejecting his new found state and attempting to drown himself, he discovered that turtles can breathe underwater and he gave up and learnt to accept his new way of life. He has now dedicated himself to the fight against domestic violence and also, tooth decay. He hates tooth decay.


2. SWANBEECODILE

OK the idea for this one kind of came to me yesterday when I was sitting by a river and swan flew really close to my head. It more or less scared me shitless because first of all I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS COULD FLY and secondly it has a wingspan that could fit an entire Chinese family on it. Swans are scary that’s a fact. I don’t care if they make heart shapes with their necks when they kiss their lovers, they are vicious bastards. Daunted by the knowledge that these beasts now had control of the air as well as the water, I began contemplating what would happen if swans had bee stingers and crocodile mouths. Heres how it happened: A majestic but evil swan falls madly in love with an ugly but noble crocodile. It was a forbidden love as their species have despised each other ever since the crocodiles accidentally ate the swans lacrosse team in the Animal Olympics of ’88. Both the swan and the crocodile knew that if their love was ever discovered, they would be ostracised from their peers and probably teased a whole bunch. This made their love-making far more passionate. When the swan suggested a threesome with their mutual bee friend, crocodile couldn’t believe his luck. Unfortunately there is no condom durable enough to house the crocodiles penis nor small enough to drape a bees member, so they had to bareback. As luck would have it, the swan was also ovulating that night and the laws of genetics decided not to exist. Hence, the first swanbeecodile was conceived. The sitcom-esque family had to raise their hybrid child in secret so Swanbeecodile grew up a loner, his only company being the laugh track that followed him everywhere. He spent his days watching crappy daytime TV which unfortunately instilled him with a deep hatred for all things human. He moves from forest to forest in highly populated areas terrorising, murdering and eating the unsuspecting human inhabitants. He also rapes people with his stinger. The bastard. He cannot be stopped.


3. ANGEL ANT

A sainted human-sized ant gifted with wings upon his arrival in heaven, he was soon banished back to earth for his disgusting eating habits. Determined to redeem himself he spends his days fighting insurance fraud and trying to find a way to look less hideous when eating.


4. The Boxing Leopardsnail
Did you know that when you eat a snail you become half snail? This leopard didn’t. Neither do the French. After turning half snail the leopard decided to take up boxing, hoping his constant wearing of the red boxing glove would detract attention from the massive shell now residing on his back and his overall slimy appearance. Unfortunately it just adds to the ridiculousness of his existence. Everyone knows that snails shouldn’t be fast and leopards shouldn’t be slimy, no amount of boxing gloves can fix that. Luckily he can beat the crap out of anyone that dares mock him and he is also eligible to enter snail races. As you may have guessed he ALWAYS wins. When he’s not hanging out in his shell, he enjoys purring and sticking himself to walls.