The Do’s and Douchebags of Social Networking

As a borderline obsessive user of Facebook (seriously one time my internet broke and I couldn't go on it for like, a week, so I killed a prostitute) a semi regular user of Twitter and an occasional troller on Youtube, I believe I am qualified to negate just how everyone uses these communication mediums to interact with their fellow internet users. Failure to comply with my guidelines will probably result in your complete ostracization from society ultimately leading to you dying alone in a house full of cats with your corpse being feasted upon by those feline companions you had once called your only friends. Seriously, cats do that. Look it up.

1. DON'T WRITE IN BLOCK CAPITALS UNLESS YOUR SOUL IS ON FIRE OR SOMETHING SIMILIARLY AWFUL!

   Why are you shouting at me? That's what I think when I read your pointlessly block capitalised status update. That, and I picture you as a ridiculously bearded homeless man. Because homeless people shout random things. Especially the bearded ones. That's one of the many reasons we pretend they don't exist. Don't get me wrong, the caps lock key is there for a reason, other than ruining your sentence after you accidentally hit it when aiming for the "A" key that is. I totally support the use of block capital sentences in situations of an urgent nature such as; being ravaged by an ostrich in heat or perhaps your brain is melting because you watched too much teen drama TV shows and its currently leaking out of your major face orifices. I will even occasionally accept the expression of excitement. Perhaps you have finally found a lifelong companion in the form a dog and are excited by the prospect that you no longer have to sleep alone, crying yourself into a restless slumber. I allow you these moments because I understand your life is generally mundane, you tell me this every day with your shitty updates.
   

   

   
   

   It is unacceptable when people use block capitals in every fricking sentence. DO YOU ACTUALLY SHOUT AT YOUR FRIENDS WHEN YOU INFORM THEM YOU GOT A NEW HAIRCUT AND YOU LIKE IT, EVEN THOUGH ITS SHORTER THN YOU WANTED, BUT THAT'S OK BECAUES YOU REALISE THAT HAIRDRESSERS DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE WORD "TRIM". No? Then why the fuck do you shout it at me through the computer. The voice is my head is adamant to scream the sentence at my brain when you trick it with your big letters. So stop it. If it is not something you would scream when saying it aloud then don't shout it with your keyboard. Also, in arguments people seem to think that WRITING LIKE THIS seems to make their point less stupid. You may think that using a constant stream of capitalized letters may distract us from your woeful lack of a valid opinion and criminally outdated social references. Well, it doesn't. It makes you look about as smart as a golf ball.
   

   

   
   

2. D0n't wr1t33 lykk d1s. 3verrr, itz 5t00p1d!
   

   I'm sorry; did you suffer from a stroke? I see no other reason for you to be writing like that. Unless you just woke up and decided to not be normal anymore. When I first encountered this style of writing I was enthralled and immediately began to work on deciphering this secret message. I felt like Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code, without the tweed. Was I about to uncover some age old secret? 3 weeks later I finally decoded the update. The big 'secret' turned out to be a declaration of love for Justin Bieber. I was considerably disappointed. Then angry. I didn't understand why someone would go to such effort to make their sentence so illegible. Why couldn't they use normal letters? Is the alphabet not cool anymore?! At the tender age of 19 I felt old. I can now no longer leave the house without the crippling fear of breaking my hip. I suddenly have an intense desire to eat Bran Flakes and watch Judge Judy. All because of some tweens flagrant disregard for normal letters. It's retarded and pointless so just stop it, it doesn't make you cool. It makes you confusing. Writing like that is three tenths of the reason why terrorism exists.
   

   
   

   
   

3. Don't say LOL. It's over.
   

   Never have I hated an abbreviation so much. It makes me want to pull out my hair and feed it to you. Why? Because I know you didn't actually "laugh out loud" at what I said. It wasn't that funny. Don't fucking patronise me. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to respond. You have successfully killed whatever mild conversation we were managing to keep up. I went to the effort of typing out a sentence then you basically spit in my face by responding with that shite?! Sometimes what I say isn't even remotely humorous. I don't understand why you would laugh out loud. Did you even read what I said? I told you I have chronic diarrhoea you asshole. It's not funny and I'm pretty sure your sub-par cooking caused it. In fact you seem to LOL so much I'm starting to think you have some kind of mental illness. I don't think I want to be associated with you anymore. Did you just say LOL? Jesus fucking Christ.
   

   
   

   
   

4. Don't overshare. And stop being so goddamn boring. I genuinely don't care about your life.
   

   Unless you are some kind of super-awesome-uber-celebrity I usually don't want to know about the various diseases riddling your body. No-one cares that you have swine flu. It's so last year, you should be ashamed that your weak body is even susceptible to such a has-been ailment. Reading about how your pet died makes me uncomfortable and I immediately think less of you for expressing emotion. I am not going to attend your fundraiser for dying orphan hero- babies, so stop sending me e-vites. The constant pressing of the ignore button is tiring my index finger. Have a headache? Please don't rush online to tell me about it. I could do without being told it's your sister's neighbour's birthday. The key to getting your status liked and not boring your friends to a point where they want to cut off your toes is to keep it relatable and make you look awesome. For example "I got sooooooo wasted last night." will get more likes than "I woke up covered in vomit with pieces of liver in my hair. I'm so disappointed in myself and I'm pretty sure I was raped anally". By saying "I got soooooo wasted last night" people will feel compelled to like your status as they wish to show everyone that they also like to party and are just as awesome and hardcore as you. When you say "This weekend is gonna be epic" I feel like I have to like your status so people won't think I'm actually staying indoors all weekend learning how to knit. I agreed with your statement, so for all you know I am going to drink naked upside-down at a pool party while breakdancing having a threesome and getting so drunk that people will be feeding on my blood just to be a fraction as amazing as I am.